'Tiger mother' spurs parenting debate
If you’ve tapped into the national news at all lately, you’ve no doubt heard about the controversy that’s swelled up over Amy Chua’s book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” in which she explains with a huge dose of Western political incorrectness, why Chinese mothers and their children are superior.
Chua, a Yale law professor, is everywhere right now, from a pre-publication except of her book in the Wall Street Journal to appearing last week on Stephen Colbert’s comedy show, “The Colbert Report.” Along the way she’s horrified many of us, myself included, with her tough love parenting tactics that include belittling her children if they don’t excel — she admits calling her older daughter “garbage” after the girl disrespected her — to making her children practice their musical instruments hours on end, through dinner and into the night if need be, to learn a particular piece.
Under Chua’s tutelage there are no sleepovers, no watching TV or playing video games, no grades lower than an A.
“Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight A’s,” she writes, “Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, ‘You’re lazy...”
This “Tiger Mother,” who raised her two daughters the Chinese way in America, claims indulgent Western parents care too much about their children’s self-esteem. They’re too ready to dole out praise for substandard academic results.
I don’t condone Chua’s authoritarian parenting. In fact, her tactics are appalling to me. I read an opinion piece in response to her parenting by Lac Su, a man who was raised by two Tiger parents, one Chinese, one Vietnamese and both immigrants. He’s written a book called “I Love Yous are for White People.”
“All my young life, my parents were quick to remind me of my stupidity,” he recalled. “They were particularly preoccupied with my lack of progress in school. Fixated on the idea that I was a slow learner, they confused my cautiousness for a lack of desire, and my need for affection as the wants of a spoiled American brat.”
Su goes on to say that after reading Chua’s article, he was “overwhelmed by the visceral, gushing panic that springs forth as a result of my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
“No matter how hard I worked or how obediently I obeyed their commands, it was never enough.”
To us “Western” parents it seems like a no-brainer that we do our children more harm than good by administering these kinds of harsh tactics — Lu’s parents even made him eat raw cow brains as an ancient Chinese “cure” for his stupidity.
But the controversy has sparked a much needed debate about parenting in this country and whether American children are living up to their academic potential. Is “doing our best” good enough? Should we be challenging, coaching and even coercing our kids to do better?
I was raised by middle-class parents who did encourage us to do our best. My mother was very involved in our homework, our piano lessons, our 4-H projects. I remember Mom listening to my speech pieces and coaching me on inflection and pauses. She always chose praise over criticism and constructive suggestions over belittling. And we flourished, with three of my four siblings graduating with top honors.
When it was my turn to parent, I employed those same kinds of tactics — close involvement in my daughters’ lives, encouragement and even cheerleading them on to greater achievement. Both of them were honor students.
I do agree with Chua’s assumption that “all decent parents want to do what’s best for their children.” I myself, though, would rather have well-adjusted, happy and productive children who were nurtured to do their best.
The Chinese way may produce children who are flawless academically and musically, but I’m willing to bet there are scars beneath that perfection that can never be measured.
Features editor Lynnette Hintze may be reached at 758-4421 or by e-mail at lhintze@dailyinterlake.com