A mirthful Mother’s Day

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Today being Mother’s Day, I did a bit of Googling to see what the internet could offer to honor moms and add some humor to our day.

First, I researched unique gift-giving ideas. Even though my own amazing, lovely mother, who celebrated her 90th birthday last October, swears she needs virtually nothing tangible in these golden years of her life, here are a few that got my attention.

From Uncommon Goods

— A cracked glass ceiling pendant — perfect for aspiring working moms though unbreakable Lexan would be more realistic.

— Pink Himalayan salt tequila shot glasses – What mom wouldn’t want a set? Even just one would really be enough.

— Dawn redwood bonsai rainforest – OK. That’s kind of cool.

— Butter churner — Ummm, no.

— Wine soap – Uh, yeah! User advised to “drink in the skin soothing benefits of wine turned soap.”

The “Shark Tank” reality show features a potato postcard greeting. Could sending your dear mother an actual potato with your personal greeting applied to it be anything less than fabulous? Shoppers are warned the Mother’s Day Potato is only available for a limited time.

Forbes magazine designated the “Holy Grail” of Mother’s Day gifts to be a beachfront massage at Christopher’s Sisley Spa in St. Bart’s, as in the Caribbean. The value is listed as “priceless” but the spa brochure lists it at 140 to 190 euros — airfare is extra.

I also found some musings about motherhood on the website humormatters.com by clinical psychologist Steve M. Sultanoff, past president of the American Association for Therapeutic Humor, whose psychotherapy services focus on the healing power of humor. Moms may find some familiar truths hidden in these nuggets.

Things I’ve learned from my children:

— If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20- by 20-foot room.

— If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

— No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

What famous mothers might have said:

— Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

— Jonah’s Mother: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.

Things moms would never say:

— “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”

— “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”

Principles of motherhood:

— Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

— Avenge yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

You know you’re a mom when:

— You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

— You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth.

Mother’s love:

— I loved you enough to ask where you are going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

— I loved you enough to say no when I knew you would hate me for it … Those were the most difficult battles of all. I am glad I won them, because in the end, you won too.

As for myself, all I really want for Mother’s Day is a vivid memory and instant recall of all the most colorful moments of motherhood, from the moment I first laid eyes on my newborns’ faces to every hopelessly hilarious parenting challenge that made the toughest job in the world totally worth it. I want to laugh long and loud while remembering the stories that honed our family into the unique – and stellar — constellation in the universe that it is.

Here’s hoping all moms enjoy a heavenly day today surrounded by your own stellar constellations.

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